This game ended up being as bland as the cover

Astro Warrior. I have no idea what Astro Warrior is about. When I pressed start the entire galaxy was against me…or maybe I was the villain? Who knows??? It was probably all explained in the manual which I don’t have so we’re going with my made up story of: Space Dude Roger was trying to get away from the Planet of Bad Times, which he thought just sounded cool but was really a warning to stay away before he contracted Space Herpes (that’s a real thing see The Ice Pirates for documentation). As he was making his escape he forgot to pay his parking fee and the Spanish Inquisition appeared and demanded they pay the fee. Why the Spanish Inquisition? NOBODY EVER EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Well, Space Dude Roger just spent all his money gassing up on space gas (that’s right, it’s space gas not rocket fuel write your own story) and he had no money and he slipped away and they sent out their minions to take out Space Dude Roger.

Space Dude Roger fighting the good fight!

Having just a NES growing up in Late 1987 (Action Set with the Grey Zapper, the REAL Zapper not that fake Orange crap, get off my lawn) if I would have seen this game I would have been amazed at the graphics. Pretty much the same way I was when I finally ditched Nintendo for the superior Genesis years later as I graduated to the “…Next Level.”

For a shmup, which I suck at, this game plays excellent and I was doing great at it. You kill the bad dudes and then you get your little power up like in the genre, okay. I beat the first boss alright!. I’ve done this before. I beat the second boss. That doesn’t happen often. Then the third. Hey, this game is awesome!!! Then I played the fourth stage.

This stage looks familiar…

Hey, this is the first stage. I beat the first boss again. Oh, okay I’m doing a boss rush for the last stage, I got it. Second boos coming up.

NO! Stage two again?! Same boss.

It’s the first boss…again….I think? I lost count!

Then stage three. As the third boss gets ready to enter I said, out loud, “Belzebulb.” Lo and behold same third stage boss, Belzebulb.” It was at this time I thought, “Will this game ever end? I better do some Internet-ing (my review my words, I have no editor)?

THIS GAME NEVER ENDS!!!!! IT’S ON AN ENDLESS LOOP!!!! THE HELL!!! This game was so badass. Great graphics. Good music. Great controls. Good variety of enemies but then you stopped at three stages?!! The hell?! It just ends like a bad review!

STANDARD REVIEW: 1/10

REVIEW BY: PAUL