Bayonetta 2. Well normally I start with a preamble gimmick then story yada yada yada. Fact is I don’t know what the hell is going on with the story. Never did. Are the Angels bad guys or good guys? She mentions God but not in a negative light so I give up and I’m not going to wikipedia this crap. So lets just get to the bad which is what everyone goes to reviews for anyway, right?

BAD:

LOKI!

No!!! Not that one!!!!

That would have been awesome for this game but no!!!

YES! YOU! THIS SACK OF SHIT NEEDS TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS GAME! HE PLAYS NO BARRING ON THIS GAME AT ALL AS FAR AS GAMEPLAY GOES WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ONE TIME. HE’S AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT WHO DOES NOTHING BUT CALLS BAYONETTA “LOVE” OVER AND OVER AGAIN, “SORRY, LOVE.” “WHAT’S THAT, LOVE?” “CAN’T HELP YOU THERE, LOVE.” YOU WANA KNOW HOW WORTHLESS. HE IS? HE’S NOTHING MORE THAN A PLOT DEVICE. HE SHRINKS DOWN TO A FUCKING SQUIRREL WHO HIDES YOUR TITS AND STAYS THERE FOR EVERY FIGHT TILL IT’S OVER THEN, “HURRY UP, LOVE” “NOT THAT WAY” WHILE YOU RUN TO THE NEXT FIGHT. IT’S LIKE AN ESCORT MISSION WITH NO RAMIFICATIONS BECAUSE THE PARTY YOU’RE PROTECTING CAN’T DIE AND THAT’S A DAMN SHAME BECAUSE HE SHOULD DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS!!!! NINTENDO SHOULD HAVE TOLD PLATINUM GAMES TO FUCK OFF WHEN THEY BROUGHT THIS SHIT.

Now Luka? Hell yeah, there’s the real star of the show. However he’s pushed to the side for this pint sized peckerhead. Maybe they figured Luka is best used in small doses. Well…Loki is best used NEVER.

GOOD:

Everything else. Combat is Bayonetta. So guns Blazing; blood spurting; demons conjuring; swords swinging; air planes crashing; camera zooming into her naughty bits; over sexualized bullshit. You know, all the good stuff. I hope this was shown at the White House during their video game meeting on violence because there are some great shots that you could really grab her by the pussy.

As far as how it played on the Switch. I had no problems with it. Now I’m sure someone from Digital Foundry can jump in and say, “It dropped two frames during a boss battle!” Well, during a normal human beings play through who wears glasses and hasn’t gone to the optometrists in a year, and who’s playtime was split between docked on a 4K TV and undocked it was fine. Now I never played the WiiU version so I have no comparison so go watch the Digital Foundry video and see for yourself but it was fine for me. I don’t know if the graphics were updated or not but I put some screen grabs up here for you so eh, whatever.

There are moments where it can be better but it is a port from WiiU so they didn’t remake it. On the upside you’re not going to notice any major slow down or anything drastic. However it’s not God of War. I still believe that Nintendo should have waited a year and put out a more powerful system so devs would be happier and you’d get more Triple A titles being ported over with little to no difference. Since it was rumored that if they waited a year it’d be as powerful as a PS4 but Nintendo wanted it out before someone else beat them to it. Nintendo wants to be Apple anyway just go the Apple route; make everyone forget who did it first because you mainstreamed it and made it work best, you have the killer app, superior product and fixed everything they do wrong. While the Switch is great Nintendo dropped the ball and should have went with a more powerful system. Yes you’d be behind with the Pro and the X but 80 million PS4’s it would have been okay for you to get another year in. Rant over.

Bloody Arwing. The way Star Fox was meant to be.

SUMMARY:

Yeah, this is a short review but Bayonetta 2 has already been out so you can go look up a ton of reviews on it and probably already played it.

I know I did a lot of complaining about Loki but look…he made the game unbearable. With his annoying dialogue I just wanted him to leave but once he shows up he’s there the whole game. The fact you get costumes n’ shit doesn’t make up for the fact you have to deal with this crap the whole game and it just annoyed me to no end. Which is sad because I really enjoyed the first game. Hopefully he’s not around in the third game and we can stick to what works which was everything that WASN’T him BUT he’s just drowns the game and someone at Platinum just loved the story or Loki too much to fix it or cut him out.

FINAL VERDICT:

SCOTT AND PAUL SHOW SCORE: BORROW

STANDARD: 5.9

REVIEW BY: PAUL